Meep

I asked my doctor for antidepressants on Monday after breaking down YET AGAIN in front of my Dad. Everything has just be horrible for so long. Today things were good for the first time, I have hope again and an achievable future. I might ACTUALLY be able to leave school at the end of this year which I desperately want to do! The good feeling lasted all of 4 hours (out of like 4 months - well I haven't checked but that's how it feels...) and then I went depressed again but went into a fucking mixed state (emotional hell) and sped past a speed camera (could lose my license), played slalem round the chicanes and raced any cars in the next-door lane. Safety first kids.

Its annoying because for those four hours I thought I wasn't going to need any antidepressants after all. And now I'm not sure if they'll make me happy, or turn me mixed or manic so that I throw my recently attainably life away again.

My insecurities will eat me alive

I'm so pathetically needy at the moment. I'm terrified of being rejected and am constantly imagining people talking about what a FREAK I am behind my back. I know people care but at the same time I don't believe it. I want to run away from everything. Dye my hair and eyebrows blonde and have a fringe that covers my face so no one will recognise me. I don't want to have to confront reality and face the threat of failure. I can't fail. I've never failed. If I don't try then I can't fail my expectations.