Pain

I am completely and utterly fascinated by the theories about pain gates. I definitely believe that pain can be extinguished by the mind there is lots of evidence to support this such as the monks who can train themselves to walk over hot coals.

There is also a Hindu festival called thaipusam during which some pilgrims are pierced with skewers but feel no pain because they believe that they have passed wholly under the protection of the deity who will not allow him/her to shed blood or suffer pain.

I also have reason to believe in paingates because I can turn pain off when I am hurt or cut myself. I haven't pushed this to a limit however so it may just be that I have a very high pain threshold. But then perhaps a pain threshold connects to paingates. Higher pain intenstity is needed to push them open.

CIPA is a condition in which the sufferer cannot feel pain. They can still feel touch however. Perhaps this is caused by an innate closure of the paingates. As good as it may seem not to feel pain this is a crippling condition as the sufferers often cause a lot of damage to themselves in particularly their joints. In one case a child with CIPA stuck his head in a fireplace because he thought the fire was pretty. He survived but was crippled for the rest of his life.

I think instead of psychology I want to study neuro science so that I can begin to understand more about this.

Relapse

Been writing this for a while when I can get a chance away from the watching eyes of the nurses.

I'm back in hospital. Been here since saturday morning. Predictable considering the last post.

Sadly they found my pills. I had over ninety pills hidden in a locker at school in case there was no other way out. Now there really is no way out and that terrifies me. I was so angry I started cutting myself again. It was also to prove that I could. That they couldn't stop me if I really wanted to do something.

But do I want to do something? Clearly not otherwise I guess I would have done already. So what do I want? What's the point? If anyone has any ideas they would be greatly appreciated.

I'm fine I swear

Tonight I got home determined I was going to do it. I tried not to think about it but I had this huge rush of adrenalin. I sat here in front of this computer trying to write, to get the emotions out before they killed me.

My parents came back. So did reality.

I wish that everyone would just turn round to me and say its ok, we'll be fine. Because I'll be fine. Nothing would ever be able to make me not fine again.

Sex, Love and Lies

When I was younger I was a slut. I lost my virginity at 14 and it meant nothing to me. The boyfriend I lost it to told me he loved me which for some reason I'm still not sure about freaked me out so much I then slept with his two best friends. I used people and sometimes got with people just because someone else fancied them. Maybe it was because I had no self confidence and used sex as a form of self destruction. Or maybe I just wanted to.

I don't believe in love. Not in the romantic sense. I'm not really sure what I think about it. I know that I love my family but thats different, although I'm not sure why. I thought I was in love once and he said he loved me, but four months later it turns out he didn't mean the same thing. It scares me that no one will ever love me and for some reason I feel like no one can, like somethings wrong with me. I used people in the past so that no one could use me. I gave that up this summer and ended up being used so now I think I'm going to scrap that idea.

Fuck you to everyone who claims they care. I don't give a shit, its all fucking fake. I give up pretending that sex means something. I was right the first time round. Fuck you to all the people that pretend it does. Climb out of your naive little boxes and realise that nothing matters. Its only society that says we should be nice to each other. In reality all people care about is themselves.

People are nice to make themselves feel like a good person. You give to charity so that you don't feel guilty about people less well off, and get pleasure out of being a kind person. No one would do it if it made them feel shit in order to let someone else get the benefit. You say you love someone so they will say it back and you can feel like your the centre of someones universe. In the words of Rihanna:

Want you to make me feel like I’m the only girl in the world

Like I’m the only one that you’ll ever love
Like I’m the only one who knows your heart.

Telepathy

Ok so basicly I was thinking. A lot. I have about a billion thoughts in my head right now... Anyways keep losing track! But basicly one of those thoughts was about how thoughts are electronic impulses that shoot through some of the nerves in our brain. Well i think so anyway... Only on AS biology at the moment so there isn't and neurology involved yet :( Feel free to correct me! And ok so these impulses have to be insulated. But what if not all of the impulse is insulated and some escapes the nerves so that if you had the proper technology (it would have to be invented first) you could pick up the stray signals and read them! Little bit of a scary thought cos I appreciate my privacy.

I heard about these identical twins that would burst into tears if the other one was crying. Even if they weren't in the same room and didn't know the other one was crying. What if those twins had the ability to comprehend the stray tear thought impulses from the other twin? What if there are some people somewhere that can understand and 'hear' those impulses? Well maybe its crazy talk but i'm gonna look into it so feel free to give me your thoughts!