Night terrors

Why is it that things are so bad at night time? I'm ok in the day but at night it comes to haunt me. All the bad stuff I bottle up in the day, all the things I don't do and all the things I don't say. I love him and it hurts so badly. No one will ever be as beautiful or funny or get me like he does. Or be able to calm all my fears with exactly the right thing to say.

I hope he doesn't stay with her. I don't want him to be with me either, because that won't work. I just don't want him to ever really move on and when a time comes that it will work between us again we can be together. I know he still has feelings for me I just hope he keeps them. Is this naive? Unrealistic?

I've always taken pride in the fact that I can see the truth but here I feel blind! Am I fooling myself? If so please let me move on.

I can't breathe

Last night I made a very poor attempt to end my life and get rid of this agony. It was the only way at the time. I was suffocating in a mental agony so great that I was physically writhing on the floor. So i tried to suffocate in reality to end the torture. I cannot escape it if its there in my mind and the only way to stop my mind is death.

But we won't run, we won't hide and I am fighting. I am fucking fighting hard for my life. I will fight to the death.