Life does like to slap you when you're down.

I'm going to a funeral tomorrow. A funeral of a friend who didn't get the chance to become an adult and see where life could take her. The circumstances are much, much closer to home than is comfortable.

But I have experience on my side. I have a great support network and great friends. I'm not depressed yet, I'm just mourning like anyone would.

I won't let the stress and the illnesses kill me. I have seen TOO MANY times the devastation it leaves behind. Its not just you're own life you're taking. Remember that.

R.I.P girly I'm sorry that you could see no other way out.

Haven't written in a while..

I'm in a bit of a lazy mood at the moment. Lazy / depressed / mixed /manic. Not actually sure what's going on with me at the moment. I'm not getting any work done and I just feel like everything is going to fail. My mum told me I can't get a job because I have no qualifications and even if I do I'll get fired because the bipolar will stop me working like it does with school stuff. Why bother?

On a different note I'm so happy that a certain someone is alive! I'm struggling with feeling suicidal at the moment but realised that if I'm glad you're alive I should probably be glad I'm alive.. or something.. I'll work it out some day when my heads clearer.

Letters from the dead

I saw my ex today! We ended on good terms and he's still one of my best friends so it was great to see him as he's just come back from Uni. I was so happy to see him but after he left I felt really weird. I'm not sure what I felt weird about or why, I just felt unsettled.

                        I want to die

Went back to school after lunch with him and was greeted with cold stares from the girls in my house (its like a boarding house but for day students). Obviously this put a downer on my mood. Even more than it usually would because its been going on for days and there's no reason for it to. I feel like a nobody and an outsider in the place where I spend most of my time. Yes it happens to everybody but that doesn't stop you feeling like shit.

I'm not meant to be here

Its not that they all dislike me. There are eight of us in our year in the house and two very divided groups. Three in one and three in the other - yes I can count - and Tara and Me. We're in the middle. Best friends. The problem is that she is better friends with one group and I'm closer to the other. She is also one of the sportiest people on the planet which means that shes never in the house and I'm left in the house on my own with one group that doesn't like me and the others who like me but are too wrapped up in girl world to remember me. So after feeling shit which sadly caused me to feel depressed (which irratatingly causes motor retardation in me so I can hardly walk, talk or think) I then had to go sit through an hour of studying how the infrared spectra something molecular does something to something. As you can see, no matter how many hundreds of times I read the paragraph it didn't sink in. Et voila! More depressed. My car is now stuck at school because I can't drive when I'm depressed - motor retardation etc, - last time I did I got three points on my license and I only have one chance left. Instead I got a lift back with some friends which cheered me up. Good mood finally!

Let me die

I've just finished having dinner with my parents and a few of their friends including my uncle who had us all in stitches for the majority of the night. He told a particularly brilliant story about his pencil sharpening obsession. It was a really fun evening. SO WHY COULD I NOT STOP PLANNING MY SUICIDE NOTE.

I wrote a fucking guest list. The names of people who I would write to. What I would say. How they would discover it (This blog is my suicide note in case of emergeancy and the web address would be written on the left door of my left-hand cupboard). I planned every scenario whilst laughing along to everyone's jokes and smiling with my parents.

 I am here for them and no matter how hard it is I need to stay here for them.

I'm fine I swear

Tonight I got home determined I was going to do it. I tried not to think about it but I had this huge rush of adrenalin. I sat here in front of this computer trying to write, to get the emotions out before they killed me.

My parents came back. So did reality.

I wish that everyone would just turn round to me and say its ok, we'll be fine. Because I'll be fine. Nothing would ever be able to make me not fine again.