Letters from the dead

I saw my ex today! We ended on good terms and he's still one of my best friends so it was great to see him as he's just come back from Uni. I was so happy to see him but after he left I felt really weird. I'm not sure what I felt weird about or why, I just felt unsettled.

                        I want to die

Went back to school after lunch with him and was greeted with cold stares from the girls in my house (its like a boarding house but for day students). Obviously this put a downer on my mood. Even more than it usually would because its been going on for days and there's no reason for it to. I feel like a nobody and an outsider in the place where I spend most of my time. Yes it happens to everybody but that doesn't stop you feeling like shit.

I'm not meant to be here

Its not that they all dislike me. There are eight of us in our year in the house and two very divided groups. Three in one and three in the other - yes I can count - and Tara and Me. We're in the middle. Best friends. The problem is that she is better friends with one group and I'm closer to the other. She is also one of the sportiest people on the planet which means that shes never in the house and I'm left in the house on my own with one group that doesn't like me and the others who like me but are too wrapped up in girl world to remember me. So after feeling shit which sadly caused me to feel depressed (which irratatingly causes motor retardation in me so I can hardly walk, talk or think) I then had to go sit through an hour of studying how the infrared spectra something molecular does something to something. As you can see, no matter how many hundreds of times I read the paragraph it didn't sink in. Et voila! More depressed. My car is now stuck at school because I can't drive when I'm depressed - motor retardation etc, - last time I did I got three points on my license and I only have one chance left. Instead I got a lift back with some friends which cheered me up. Good mood finally!

Let me die

I've just finished having dinner with my parents and a few of their friends including my uncle who had us all in stitches for the majority of the night. He told a particularly brilliant story about his pencil sharpening obsession. It was a really fun evening. SO WHY COULD I NOT STOP PLANNING MY SUICIDE NOTE.

I wrote a fucking guest list. The names of people who I would write to. What I would say. How they would discover it (This blog is my suicide note in case of emergeancy and the web address would be written on the left door of my left-hand cupboard). I planned every scenario whilst laughing along to everyone's jokes and smiling with my parents.

 I am here for them and no matter how hard it is I need to stay here for them.