Last week my snot was orange. And no google, I do not mean that it had blood in it. It was FANTA orange. No green, not brown, not yellow, not pink or red. ORANGE. Why is this relevant? Because instead of thinking, like a normal person, I must have breathed in something wierd - like when you go somewhere dusty - I decided my brain was swelling (multiple emminent aneurisms perhaps) and the liquid that surrounds it was coming out my nose. Resulting in death.
Every tiny little sickness I get, I immediately think is a deadly disease. The other week I had a headache, a cough, feeling sick and a temperature. I convinced myself - genuinely believed - that I had a stiff neck aswell. Meningitis. Ok, your thinking maybe she's just cautious, those syptoms could easily be meningitis. And the pains that I get in my chest - logical answer is heartburn, my answer is heart attack. Sharp headache? Brain haemorrhage. Cough? Tuberculosis.
A quarter of me knows I don't have these illnesses. Half of me does genuinely believe I do. And you know whats really fucked up? That last quarter of me... wants these illnesses.
Do I want to die? Do I want sympathy? Do I want the attention?
I don't know. I don't think so. But maybe subconciously its a bit of all three.
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