Ok well I can't remember what I've said in my other blogs about my past but here it's is in full(well more of an overview actually):
I have never had a long term best friend. Since I was a child I flitted about from friend to friend which was probably early signs of my disorder. During my childhood I would have phases were I was popular and then suddenly feel like no one liked me - all in my head because in other people's reality nothing had changed.
At the age of about 8 I began to feel as though I wasn't part of the world everyone else was living in. At 10 I had a premonition that I would not live longer than 14 years old.
Between 11 and 12 yro I entered self destruction mode. I became paranoid and obsessed, believing my parent didn't love me but adored my brother. I found pictures everywhere of the three of them looking so happy and I began to convince myself that they no longer loved me and would carry on to lead perfectly normal lives with out me in it.
I have suffered from insomnia most of my life and during this period I spiralled down into an inexplicable black depression at age 12. I began to steal gin and whiskey from my parents cabinet and would have a drinking glass amount of spirit every day before school. I stopped sleeping completely at night and would pass out during the day. My world became a living nightmare. My brain twisted everything to evil. You can't run away from your mind.
I also had pressure from another source I shall refer to as miss q. I think I will continue this story in another post.
Eventually there was the breaking point. Triggered by my mum shouting at me for doing the microwave wrong. This was then twisted to evil and became the final proof that she didn't love me. I had created a suicide kit in advance consisting of a waterbottle filled with gin,
and a few paracetamol. I took these and then panicked I rushed into every room and stuffed handfuls of all the pill I could find into my mouth. In total I took over 60 pills.
On November 30th - my OD day - I will probably go into more detail ahoy that night but for now all you need to know I went to hospital and survived. I was not able to look my parents in the eyes for a long time.
After that my parents began to take me more seriously but it was not until this year when I was diagnosed that they truly believed me. I know that they asked my councellors once if I was just doing it for attention. I shall end part one just before my new school, my attempt at a fresh start.
Hey, I see you're point about my death compromising the quality of my family and friends life, but its something i've been struggling with internally for years..I think my mind has finally given up trying to fight the battle for them. I've said I feel numb to their pain, which is true to an extent..I can't fathom at what level this will hurt them and how they will cope afterwards, but I DO know they are strong people, hopefully strong enough. I've been on anti depressants in the past..didnt work too well, (I ended up hoarding them and taking a biiiig overdose). I feel like i've been thinking about this for long enough now to have come to a clear, valid decision. I seem to hear the words "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem" whenever I try to talk to a therapist or doctor about my thoughts - God that sentence drives me insane. I also gave myself 2 months to change my mind. As of yet i've not changed it.. This all sounds very dramatic I know..I just dunno how else to word it. And im still here for a while yet so talk away!
ReplyDelete