Fears and Phobias

1. Invasion of Personal Space ( IPS )
2. Invasion of Privacy ( IPrv )
3. Claustrophobia

My three main fears (that I can think of now). Pretty linked. Nothing has ever happened to me in life that I am aware of to provide a rational excuse for this. My Claustrophobia has addmittedly got better, but the other two have got worse.

Today I just got back from Morocco. Amazing trip had a lovely time. UNTIL IPS ruined it. Thats all it took. A whole holiday ruined and my good mood streak shattered. Yes that dramatically. Thats how strong my IPS fear is. It was an hours car journey spent in the middle seat ( which was not really meant to be a middle seat ) sandwiched between my brother and my mum. The smaller I tried to make myself the more they spread out. And to top that off I get carsick. It was very windy roads.

Since I got out of hospital I've also had this wierd thing about people touching me. Sometimes its there, sometimes its not. When its there I can't handle people standing next to me which is partly IPS and hugs are the most terrifying thing in the world.

IPS and IPrv literally make me want to slit my wrists. I get so angry with the culprits I want to destroy them. Not just physically hurt them, sabotage their whole lives. This is how hugely this affects me.

NB to the people that read this blog that I know in real life: I do not have IPS all the time! It will be obvious when I do.

Hypochondria

Last week my snot was orange. And no google, I do not mean that it had blood in it. It was FANTA orange. No green, not brown, not yellow, not pink or red. ORANGE. Why is this relevant? Because instead of thinking, like a normal person, I must have breathed in something wierd - like when you go somewhere dusty - I decided my brain was swelling (multiple emminent aneurisms perhaps) and the liquid that surrounds it was coming out my nose. Resulting in death.

Every tiny little sickness I get, I immediately think is a deadly disease. The other week I had a headache, a cough, feeling sick and a temperature. I convinced myself - genuinely believed - that I had a stiff neck aswell. Meningitis. Ok, your thinking maybe she's just cautious, those syptoms could easily be meningitis. And the pains that I get in my chest - logical answer is heartburn, my answer is heart attack. Sharp headache? Brain haemorrhage. Cough? Tuberculosis.

A quarter of me knows I don't have these illnesses. Half of me does genuinely believe I do. And you know whats really fucked up? That last quarter of me... wants these illnesses.

Do I want to die? Do I want sympathy? Do I want the attention?

I don't know. I don't think so. But maybe subconciously its a bit of all three.