Post Created 30 Apr 2011 00:37:17

Put out the fire
Stop the burning
Stop the longing for how it could be.

Turn off my heart
Shut down my brain
Stop the dreaming for how it should be.

Life without you
Is no life at all
How can I live for what will never be.


I love you and always will but my world is despair it rots and corrupts everyone around it. I love you so I want you to be free. To love someone who will make you happy. I don't ever want to see you dragged down. And so even if you're with her and it tears me up inside I have to let you go. This is why I'll never tell you how I feel.

I'll never tell you that you make me smile when no one else can. Only you can stop the paranoia. I love everything about you. I love your lips when we kiss. The way you make me feel with the most innocent of touches. I love how thoughtful you are.

I hate it when you leave me. I hate not being able to say I love you. I hate how far away you are. I hate that we might never be together again apart from as friends. So torturously close.

But you must go and never get sucked into this.

Night terrors

Why is it that things are so bad at night time? I'm ok in the day but at night it comes to haunt me. All the bad stuff I bottle up in the day, all the things I don't do and all the things I don't say. I love him and it hurts so badly. No one will ever be as beautiful or funny or get me like he does. Or be able to calm all my fears with exactly the right thing to say.

I hope he doesn't stay with her. I don't want him to be with me either, because that won't work. I just don't want him to ever really move on and when a time comes that it will work between us again we can be together. I know he still has feelings for me I just hope he keeps them. Is this naive? Unrealistic?

I've always taken pride in the fact that I can see the truth but here I feel blind! Am I fooling myself? If so please let me move on.

Dreams

I am so excited I haven't been able to sleep for the past few nights. I'm going to learn to kitesurf! It's been my dream since I was young - something that I've always wanted to do.

The thing is it's going to be the answer to all my problems! I'm so so so happy! I'll be doing exercise which will boost my endorphins and think of those washboard abs in time for summer! I won't be insecure about getting fat and everything will be wonderful!

Pain

I am completely and utterly fascinated by the theories about pain gates. I definitely believe that pain can be extinguished by the mind there is lots of evidence to support this such as the monks who can train themselves to walk over hot coals.

There is also a Hindu festival called thaipusam during which some pilgrims are pierced with skewers but feel no pain because they believe that they have passed wholly under the protection of the deity who will not allow him/her to shed blood or suffer pain.

I also have reason to believe in paingates because I can turn pain off when I am hurt or cut myself. I haven't pushed this to a limit however so it may just be that I have a very high pain threshold. But then perhaps a pain threshold connects to paingates. Higher pain intenstity is needed to push them open.

CIPA is a condition in which the sufferer cannot feel pain. They can still feel touch however. Perhaps this is caused by an innate closure of the paingates. As good as it may seem not to feel pain this is a crippling condition as the sufferers often cause a lot of damage to themselves in particularly their joints. In one case a child with CIPA stuck his head in a fireplace because he thought the fire was pretty. He survived but was crippled for the rest of his life.

I think instead of psychology I want to study neuro science so that I can begin to understand more about this.