Beautiful pain

Love. Every time I think of you my heart fills with a feeling that is physically impossible to describe but is without a doubt love of the purest and most all consuming kind. There are so many cliches about love and all so true. Everyone believes their love is one of a kind, better than anyone else's and despite evidence to the contrary so do I. My love is a rare kind - one of the lucky few to find their true soul-mate. My best friend, and definitely the best lover ever! My life is yours, everything is for you. Perhaps true altruism does exist?

Each moment without you is a beautiful pain. A longing wait. Knowing that when I see you again it will be the happiest moment of my life - as is every moment with you.

Yovrs onli. Forever.

For you.

I have found my key. My key to sanity and happiness. My rock and guardian angel. I only have to be with you to be normal and I am more myself than I have ever been in my life. You complete me and are truly my soul mate. Perhaps this is the cure to bipolar, unconditional requited love.

I can miss my pills and I won't notice any mood changes as long as I am with you. I can drink and take drugs and not suffer the consequences. I don't know how you do it, must be a magician. Every moment together is a miracle, true happiness. I will always love you and no one will ever mean as much to me as you do.

You better stay safe on your travels baby because I don't know how to live without you. The thought of not having you terrifies me more than anything. I would do anything for you and so I will try my very best to stay happy for you.

I hope we are together forever and never get sick of each other. Bad things will happen I'm sure, such is life, but I think we are strong enough to get through them. I would fight for you no matter what.

I love you, I love you, I love you. Words cannot express. Looks and touches cannot express. Only time will truly be able to show you how much I love you.

Keep it in the past.

There are secrets I can never reveal. Even to this blog for fear that anyone may ever find it. They haunt me nightly at the moment. During my psychosis I experienced and hallucinated indescribable things. I need them to stop before I lose my mind again.

Life does like to slap you when you're down.

I'm going to a funeral tomorrow. A funeral of a friend who didn't get the chance to become an adult and see where life could take her. The circumstances are much, much closer to home than is comfortable.

But I have experience on my side. I have a great support network and great friends. I'm not depressed yet, I'm just mourning like anyone would.

I won't let the stress and the illnesses kill me. I have seen TOO MANY times the devastation it leaves behind. Its not just you're own life you're taking. Remember that.

R.I.P girly I'm sorry that you could see no other way out.

Mood memory

It's the most bizarre feeling looking back at some of my blogs and feeling as though a stranger has written them.

Anyone who has experienced depression will know that it is physically impossible to 'just think of happy things' you're depressed.

Likewise when I experience the opposite side of the spectrum I find it impossible to remember what could possibly have made me so miserable. When I am at my highest heights I can't even comprehend that there is anything less than wonderful in the universe at all.

I can only identify with some posts at one time. It's a good way to be able to see all the different angles of my emotion although the blog is a bit biased because I write the most when I'm going through a particularly stressful time.

I'm honest in this blog which is why I have it. It's one place where I can write what's really in my heart and people can handle it. If they can't they just click the next blog. Simples.

Post Created 30 Apr 2011 00:37:17

Put out the fire
Stop the burning
Stop the longing for how it could be.

Turn off my heart
Shut down my brain
Stop the dreaming for how it should be.

Life without you
Is no life at all
How can I live for what will never be.


I love you and always will but my world is despair it rots and corrupts everyone around it. I love you so I want you to be free. To love someone who will make you happy. I don't ever want to see you dragged down. And so even if you're with her and it tears me up inside I have to let you go. This is why I'll never tell you how I feel.

I'll never tell you that you make me smile when no one else can. Only you can stop the paranoia. I love everything about you. I love your lips when we kiss. The way you make me feel with the most innocent of touches. I love how thoughtful you are.

I hate it when you leave me. I hate not being able to say I love you. I hate how far away you are. I hate that we might never be together again apart from as friends. So torturously close.

But you must go and never get sucked into this.

Night terrors

Why is it that things are so bad at night time? I'm ok in the day but at night it comes to haunt me. All the bad stuff I bottle up in the day, all the things I don't do and all the things I don't say. I love him and it hurts so badly. No one will ever be as beautiful or funny or get me like he does. Or be able to calm all my fears with exactly the right thing to say.

I hope he doesn't stay with her. I don't want him to be with me either, because that won't work. I just don't want him to ever really move on and when a time comes that it will work between us again we can be together. I know he still has feelings for me I just hope he keeps them. Is this naive? Unrealistic?

I've always taken pride in the fact that I can see the truth but here I feel blind! Am I fooling myself? If so please let me move on.