Old habits die hard.

It all started yesterday with an ordinary car journey and ended in hell and destruction.

The car journey started off and then nearly ended fine but right bfore the end I found I couldn't breathe. It was like I had breathed something in and I was choking. I felt dizzy and I had to pull over on the side of the road and get out to breathe. Eventually it subsided a bit and I managed to drive the short distance back home. I felt fine apart from being a bit freaked out. If it had happened any earlier on the journey I would have been on the motorway and could have killed everyone in my car.

As soon as I went upstairs to my room it started again and I went downstairs to my parents desparately asking them to look for my inhalers. They could both see I was distressed and Mum got me a bowl of steam and had a look for the inhalers. Apart from that they ignored me. No words of comfort which was what I really needed.

Out of nowhere this huge burst of anger rose up and I stormed out the room. I spilt the hot water all over myself which just made everything worse and I swore and stormed up the stairs punching all the walls. I threw chairs around my room and screamed.

I have never been an angry or violent person and this terrified my parents. My Dad tried to come in the room but stood in the doorway with the door half shielding him. I have never seen such fear in his eyes. Fear of me. I was screaming and cursing at him and when the words ran out I just carried on screaming anyway. I screamed that I was fucking scared and didn't know what was happening but the thing is I was only scared of him seeing the force of the emotions. What he doesn't know and can't possibly understand is that what he saw was only a tenth of what I feel when I'm low and in agony from the pain of the emotions I'm supressing.

I hide it from my parents because they can't deal with it. Point proven when I tried to calmly talk to them about things they could do to make it easier for me (not assuming everything I do is because of hypochondria and therefore needs to be ignored for example). My Mum took it as a personal attack, she acts like a cornered rat when she feels threatened, so she turned it round on me which was exactly what I didn't need when I was in such a fragile state. Then worst of all she began to laugh at me.

I've started cutting again. Forgotten how incredible it feels.