SLOOOWWW MOTTIIIOOOONNNN

I have an exam tomorow. Little bit important. And right now I can't sleep as my mind is to busy trying to figure out the concept of "you" or "oneself".

So if we start by saying that "you" are your thoughts at a specific moment in time. If you think about it you aren't the same you that you were a moment ago and if you met other yous from the past you would be similar but you wouldn't be inside the head of the other yous. Therefore, oneself is always a present being.


AAAAAAAAAAAhhhhhhhhhhh. The point is that this pondering is not going to help me with my biology AS tomorrow.

One the one hand this illness is a fucking paaiinn in the ass but on the other I don't know how I'd cope with losing the thoughts and ideas that it brings with it.

To pill or not to pill?

I am forgetting why I'm on these pills... When I'm depressed I think about whether or not I would prefer to have bipolar and losing it is something that I cant even bear to imagine. Its a drug and in my opinion in my state of mind right now (normalish - slightly hypomanic) the lows are worth the highs. I don't want to give them up. I refuse to be normal and unimaginative. I want to live all of life! I want the extreme emotions, the extreme colour and feelings that normal people don't get! I can find wonderland in my own head and what is wrong with that?

Mind over matter

No one can truly understand how difficult it is to live with a mental illness unless they have experianced it. You can never run away from your own mind. The saying is mind over matter not mind over mind because how can you fight your own conciousness? Apart from death, but thats not a great option.

The problem with bipolar is in the highs you forget how bad the lows are. And worse than that, you just don't care. At the time it seems worth it. But everything has a price and right now I'm paying that price. As well as feeling down which in itself is terrible, there's this huge feeling of loss. My happiness is gone. Will I ever be happy again?

It probably doesn't help that I've just watched avatar for the first time and can't see the point of living seeing as I'm not blue and don't live on an incredibly cool planet with awesome birds that you can fly on etc. Where the hell am I gonna get my kicks if I can't connect my hair to a toruk and dive at horrendous speeds next to a vertical cliff face?

Down, down, down, down.

So the pills are dragging me out of the sky. About as painful as you can get I feel like something is being ripped out of me and slowly being fed through a shredder, like I'll never ever feel that happiness again. I know the doctor says that the happiness - mania - is bad because its burning up seratonin but at the moment I just can't really see that it's not worth it. Anyway the pills are really kicking in and the screen is going blurry so thats all I can write for now. Adios.

My song so far

So whilst i was manic last week i managed to write the middle of a song on my guitar. Sadly the pills are bringing me down and my inspiration is disapearing :'(  but heres what i've written so far. Its kinda folk style.


D
The kiss on your lips
A
as I mumble and mutter
G                                    D   A
the world keeps tumbling by__.

D
Softly you hold me
A
and whisper just to me
G                         D   A
that everything is alright:


D        A           D  A  B(might not be a B im not sure)
And I____ just sigh___.

I am afraid,
my whole life lies before me
but I know that I will survive

'Cos I___ can fly.
As long as your by__ my side.

Diagnosis!

Ok so I was seeing a psychiatrist, Dr Owl, for about 2 months now and getting absolutely nowhere. She said it could be all kinds of things that was wrong with me such as a sleep disorder, epilepsy, SAD etc.. Dr Owl then prescribed me fluoxetine and seroquel. The seroquel completely knocked me out and turned me into a zombie so I started taking it only at night. Then last week the fluoxetine picked me out of my low and flung me into mania. Where I've been ever since. WOOP WOOP.

So today I went to see another doctor and he immediately saw the obvious symptoms and diagnosed me as Bipolar type 1 !!! Result. Feels so amazing to have a name to describe what I feel. And also confirms what I guessed all along!

Telepathy

Ok so basicly I was thinking. A lot. I have about a billion thoughts in my head right now... Anyways keep losing track! But basicly one of those thoughts was about how thoughts are electronic impulses that shoot through some of the nerves in our brain. Well i think so anyway... Only on AS biology at the moment so there isn't and neurology involved yet :( Feel free to correct me! And ok so these impulses have to be insulated. But what if not all of the impulse is insulated and some escapes the nerves so that if you had the proper technology (it would have to be invented first) you could pick up the stray signals and read them! Little bit of a scary thought cos I appreciate my privacy.

I heard about these identical twins that would burst into tears if the other one was crying. Even if they weren't in the same room and didn't know the other one was crying. What if those twins had the ability to comprehend the stray tear thought impulses from the other twin? What if there are some people somewhere that can understand and 'hear' those impulses? Well maybe its crazy talk but i'm gonna look into it so feel free to give me your thoughts!