I am the lost girl. I am the misfit.

I am the girl that has so much to say but cannot say it.

I am the girl who seems part of it all but no one notices.

I am the girl that can't leave a room for fear of falling.

I am the girl with the hidden heart

That no one may touch and none can heal.

Muscle is yellow

Well kids, in today's practical we have learnt that when you cut through your skin into the muscle it appears yellow before it bleeds. Ouchy.

Very irritating I cut myself but it went too deep, it was on the side of my arm though so not dangerous. I stitched it up myself with steristrips but then panicked and thought I needed to go to hospital to get it properly stitched up. Problem is, I had to let my parents know because I couldn't drive there myself obviously! Anyways that meant exposing the fact that I have been cutting myself. So very unnecessarily devastated parents. And lock down on activities and monitoring. That sucks.

Ahh now I get it

Turns out a scalpel is the way to go and luckily we have one in a sterilisation travel kit for africa. Much better.

Self harm

I've recently got into cutting my arm. Not to kill my self. I'm not even particularily depressed at the moment. Its more just to see how far I can go. It started off as barely surface scratches and they're gradually getting deeper but it doesn't hurt. I have a very high pain tolerance and if I concentrate hard I can turn off pain altogether in any situation. So even though I don't feel the pain, the reason I build up the depth gradually is that I don't like the feel it makes as your doing it. Its like the sound of chalk on a blackboard but a sensation. It rips rather than tears smoothly. Bit annoying. O well I'll keep trying.

Freedom?

Just got out of hospital. The wierd thing is that part of me wants to be back in there. I miss the security and the routine of the place. I miss the people that get me, that understand what I'm going through and don't judge because they're just as fucked up as I am. I miss being able to throw a tantrum and not reducing my parents to tears.

The truth is I'm really scared of the future. I don't want to have to take part in the real world again. I don't want to be responsible for my own life.

I've only got two weeks left until I have to go back to school - something I really don't want to have to do. I'll have to remember how to work all over again at the same time as remembering how to function and interact normally.

Life goes on - but I'd rather it didn't.

Insomnia

A friend very kindly reminded me that there is one way out: death. He wasn't actually being mean, just very drunk and insensitive. Anyway now I can't get it out of my head now I just want to go to sleep and never wake up.

Typical.

Ok so mentally I'm feeling better today but guess what? My glands are swollen hugely and I physically feel like shit. Whoopee. Went to the doctor who told me that its either glandular fever or an allergic reaction to lamotrigene.

Its physically impossible to be normal and do normal things like my friends when I'm contstantly incapacitated like this. I'm meant to be having a pool party at mine this weekend which I'll probably have to cancel which is going to piss off people that have already paid for train tickets etc.

Everyday is a constant struggle in one way or another and I realise that life isn't easy and you can't just float through but how can you live if the pain is more than the gain?