Losing reality again

I'm scared and no one around me understands.

Haven't written in a while..

I'm in a bit of a lazy mood at the moment. Lazy / depressed / mixed /manic. Not actually sure what's going on with me at the moment. I'm not getting any work done and I just feel like everything is going to fail. My mum told me I can't get a job because I have no qualifications and even if I do I'll get fired because the bipolar will stop me working like it does with school stuff. Why bother?

On a different note I'm so happy that a certain someone is alive! I'm struggling with feeling suicidal at the moment but realised that if I'm glad you're alive I should probably be glad I'm alive.. or something.. I'll work it out some day when my heads clearer.

Please make it stop.

Everyone says you just have to hang on in and the lows will go away. In my case maybe for a day or half a week at most but then they come back. So they don't really ever go away. Maybe I do have to bear this for the rest of my life.

I can't go up on the anti-depressants because that will just make me have uncontrollably high manic episodes and as you can see from the last post the mixed ones are particularly unpleasant.

So do I have to live with every other day feeling like I can't go on with life? If I do, it won't be long before I give up.

Help, this is my scream.

I had it. Perfect. And now they're gonna take it away. They'd rather i was in a black hole of despair then happy. No one can know im losing ocnmtrol. I can barely type right now I'm so manic. I jsut halucintated that my parents had let them take me and lock me up and I was screaming at them telling them, begging them to see that I'm not crazy that it was jsut the asylum that made it seem as though I was. It was only because they believed that I was crazy that I seemed crazy.

Probably indicates that I'm losing it. I can't. I have exams coming up I've finally got my concentration back and I've been WORKING.  I CAN DO IT. PLEASE FUCKING LET ME BE.

WHY. WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY. Why can't I be happy why cant things be good. If they force me back down I will die. All my hope will go I've been in hell for far too long and too often to go back. If I do one more time I can't survive. IM HAPPY. FOR FUCKS SAKE IM HAPPY.

I have my friends, everything is going so well, I can deal with my mum and I can fight my battles. Please don't let this be the fight I lose. If I lose this is the end.

Bipolar disorder kills 22% of females with this illness. Please don't let it be me. 

Meep

I asked my doctor for antidepressants on Monday after breaking down YET AGAIN in front of my Dad. Everything has just be horrible for so long. Today things were good for the first time, I have hope again and an achievable future. I might ACTUALLY be able to leave school at the end of this year which I desperately want to do! The good feeling lasted all of 4 hours (out of like 4 months - well I haven't checked but that's how it feels...) and then I went depressed again but went into a fucking mixed state (emotional hell) and sped past a speed camera (could lose my license), played slalem round the chicanes and raced any cars in the next-door lane. Safety first kids.

Its annoying because for those four hours I thought I wasn't going to need any antidepressants after all. And now I'm not sure if they'll make me happy, or turn me mixed or manic so that I throw my recently attainably life away again.

My insecurities will eat me alive

I'm so pathetically needy at the moment. I'm terrified of being rejected and am constantly imagining people talking about what a FREAK I am behind my back. I know people care but at the same time I don't believe it. I want to run away from everything. Dye my hair and eyebrows blonde and have a fringe that covers my face so no one will recognise me. I don't want to have to confront reality and face the threat of failure. I can't fail. I've never failed. If I don't try then I can't fail my expectations.

Relapse

Been writing this for a while when I can get a chance away from the watching eyes of the nurses.

I'm back in hospital. Been here since saturday morning. Predictable considering the last post.

Sadly they found my pills. I had over ninety pills hidden in a locker at school in case there was no other way out. Now there really is no way out and that terrifies me. I was so angry I started cutting myself again. It was also to prove that I could. That they couldn't stop me if I really wanted to do something.

But do I want to do something? Clearly not otherwise I guess I would have done already. So what do I want? What's the point? If anyone has any ideas they would be greatly appreciated.