I can't breathe

Last night I made a very poor attempt to end my life and get rid of this agony. It was the only way at the time. I was suffocating in a mental agony so great that I was physically writhing on the floor. So i tried to suffocate in reality to end the torture. I cannot escape it if its there in my mind and the only way to stop my mind is death.

But we won't run, we won't hide and I am fighting. I am fucking fighting hard for my life. I will fight to the death.

A halfway death

It's the unending pain. Not physical pain that can be quenched and ignored. It's an undiscribable pain the you can't run from. Clenching in your chest poisoning your thoughts. Complete and utter unavoidable dispair. Help me I can't bear it.

Slipping suicidally into psychosis

I wish someone would save me. I wish somebody loved me for who I am and despite all my problems. Someone who didnt just use me and abuse me like every other guy in my life has. Then maybe I can stop feeling so empty and alone. Maybe I'll want to return to reality and fight the psychosis.

Losing reality again

I'm scared and no one around me understands.

Haven't written in a while..

I'm in a bit of a lazy mood at the moment. Lazy / depressed / mixed /manic. Not actually sure what's going on with me at the moment. I'm not getting any work done and I just feel like everything is going to fail. My mum told me I can't get a job because I have no qualifications and even if I do I'll get fired because the bipolar will stop me working like it does with school stuff. Why bother?

On a different note I'm so happy that a certain someone is alive! I'm struggling with feeling suicidal at the moment but realised that if I'm glad you're alive I should probably be glad I'm alive.. or something.. I'll work it out some day when my heads clearer.

Please make it stop.

Everyone says you just have to hang on in and the lows will go away. In my case maybe for a day or half a week at most but then they come back. So they don't really ever go away. Maybe I do have to bear this for the rest of my life.

I can't go up on the anti-depressants because that will just make me have uncontrollably high manic episodes and as you can see from the last post the mixed ones are particularly unpleasant.

So do I have to live with every other day feeling like I can't go on with life? If I do, it won't be long before I give up.

Help, this is my scream.

I had it. Perfect. And now they're gonna take it away. They'd rather i was in a black hole of despair then happy. No one can know im losing ocnmtrol. I can barely type right now I'm so manic. I jsut halucintated that my parents had let them take me and lock me up and I was screaming at them telling them, begging them to see that I'm not crazy that it was jsut the asylum that made it seem as though I was. It was only because they believed that I was crazy that I seemed crazy.

Probably indicates that I'm losing it. I can't. I have exams coming up I've finally got my concentration back and I've been WORKING.  I CAN DO IT. PLEASE FUCKING LET ME BE.

WHY. WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY. Why can't I be happy why cant things be good. If they force me back down I will die. All my hope will go I've been in hell for far too long and too often to go back. If I do one more time I can't survive. IM HAPPY. FOR FUCKS SAKE IM HAPPY.

I have my friends, everything is going so well, I can deal with my mum and I can fight my battles. Please don't let this be the fight I lose. If I lose this is the end.

Bipolar disorder kills 22% of females with this illness. Please don't let it be me.