I am so excited I haven't been able to sleep for the past few nights. I'm going to learn to kitesurf! It's been my dream since I was young - something that I've always wanted to do.
The thing is it's going to be the answer to all my problems! I'm so so so happy! I'll be doing exercise which will boost my endorphins and think of those washboard abs in time for summer! I won't be insecure about getting fat and everything will be wonderful!
Tuesday, 5 April 2011
Saturday, 2 April 2011
Pain
I am completely and utterly fascinated by the theories about pain gates. I definitely believe that pain can be extinguished by the mind there is lots of evidence to support this such as the monks who can train themselves to walk over hot coals.
There is also a Hindu festival called thaipusam during which some pilgrims are pierced with skewers but feel no pain because they believe that they have passed wholly under the protection of the deity who will not allow him/her to shed blood or suffer pain.
I also have reason to believe in paingates because I can turn pain off when I am hurt or cut myself. I haven't pushed this to a limit however so it may just be that I have a very high pain threshold. But then perhaps a pain threshold connects to paingates. Higher pain intenstity is needed to push them open.
CIPA is a condition in which the sufferer cannot feel pain. They can still feel touch however. Perhaps this is caused by an innate closure of the paingates. As good as it may seem not to feel pain this is a crippling condition as the sufferers often cause a lot of damage to themselves in particularly their joints. In one case a child with CIPA stuck his head in a fireplace because he thought the fire was pretty. He survived but was crippled for the rest of his life.
I think instead of psychology I want to study neuro science so that I can begin to understand more about this.
There is also a Hindu festival called thaipusam during which some pilgrims are pierced with skewers but feel no pain because they believe that they have passed wholly under the protection of the deity who will not allow him/her to shed blood or suffer pain.
I also have reason to believe in paingates because I can turn pain off when I am hurt or cut myself. I haven't pushed this to a limit however so it may just be that I have a very high pain threshold. But then perhaps a pain threshold connects to paingates. Higher pain intenstity is needed to push them open.
CIPA is a condition in which the sufferer cannot feel pain. They can still feel touch however. Perhaps this is caused by an innate closure of the paingates. As good as it may seem not to feel pain this is a crippling condition as the sufferers often cause a lot of damage to themselves in particularly their joints. In one case a child with CIPA stuck his head in a fireplace because he thought the fire was pretty. He survived but was crippled for the rest of his life.
I think instead of psychology I want to study neuro science so that I can begin to understand more about this.
Monday, 21 March 2011
Old habits die hard.
It all started yesterday with an ordinary car journey and ended in hell and destruction.
The car journey started off and then nearly ended fine but right bfore the end I found I couldn't breathe. It was like I had breathed something in and I was choking. I felt dizzy and I had to pull over on the side of the road and get out to breathe. Eventually it subsided a bit and I managed to drive the short distance back home. I felt fine apart from being a bit freaked out. If it had happened any earlier on the journey I would have been on the motorway and could have killed everyone in my car.
As soon as I went upstairs to my room it started again and I went downstairs to my parents desparately asking them to look for my inhalers. They could both see I was distressed and Mum got me a bowl of steam and had a look for the inhalers. Apart from that they ignored me. No words of comfort which was what I really needed.
Out of nowhere this huge burst of anger rose up and I stormed out the room. I spilt the hot water all over myself which just made everything worse and I swore and stormed up the stairs punching all the walls. I threw chairs around my room and screamed.
I have never been an angry or violent person and this terrified my parents. My Dad tried to come in the room but stood in the doorway with the door half shielding him. I have never seen such fear in his eyes. Fear of me. I was screaming and cursing at him and when the words ran out I just carried on screaming anyway. I screamed that I was fucking scared and didn't know what was happening but the thing is I was only scared of him seeing the force of the emotions. What he doesn't know and can't possibly understand is that what he saw was only a tenth of what I feel when I'm low and in agony from the pain of the emotions I'm supressing.
I hide it from my parents because they can't deal with it. Point proven when I tried to calmly talk to them about things they could do to make it easier for me (not assuming everything I do is because of hypochondria and therefore needs to be ignored for example). My Mum took it as a personal attack, she acts like a cornered rat when she feels threatened, so she turned it round on me which was exactly what I didn't need when I was in such a fragile state. Then worst of all she began to laugh at me.
I've started cutting again. Forgotten how incredible it feels.
The car journey started off and then nearly ended fine but right bfore the end I found I couldn't breathe. It was like I had breathed something in and I was choking. I felt dizzy and I had to pull over on the side of the road and get out to breathe. Eventually it subsided a bit and I managed to drive the short distance back home. I felt fine apart from being a bit freaked out. If it had happened any earlier on the journey I would have been on the motorway and could have killed everyone in my car.
As soon as I went upstairs to my room it started again and I went downstairs to my parents desparately asking them to look for my inhalers. They could both see I was distressed and Mum got me a bowl of steam and had a look for the inhalers. Apart from that they ignored me. No words of comfort which was what I really needed.
Out of nowhere this huge burst of anger rose up and I stormed out the room. I spilt the hot water all over myself which just made everything worse and I swore and stormed up the stairs punching all the walls. I threw chairs around my room and screamed.
I have never been an angry or violent person and this terrified my parents. My Dad tried to come in the room but stood in the doorway with the door half shielding him. I have never seen such fear in his eyes. Fear of me. I was screaming and cursing at him and when the words ran out I just carried on screaming anyway. I screamed that I was fucking scared and didn't know what was happening but the thing is I was only scared of him seeing the force of the emotions. What he doesn't know and can't possibly understand is that what he saw was only a tenth of what I feel when I'm low and in agony from the pain of the emotions I'm supressing.
I hide it from my parents because they can't deal with it. Point proven when I tried to calmly talk to them about things they could do to make it easier for me (not assuming everything I do is because of hypochondria and therefore needs to be ignored for example). My Mum took it as a personal attack, she acts like a cornered rat when she feels threatened, so she turned it round on me which was exactly what I didn't need when I was in such a fragile state. Then worst of all she began to laugh at me.
I've started cutting again. Forgotten how incredible it feels.
Thursday, 17 March 2011
Phewf
Feeling quite a lot better this week. I haven't felt that bad in a long long long time. Now I remember rock bottom. Not cool. Thank you so much people that commented it was really nice to know that you were there.
Can't sleep which sucks because that pushes me towards the edge which I really can't deal with going back to right now. Rapid cycling sucks. Especially if you haven't had a break for a year and a half! At least the mood swings are beginning to get more spaced out now.
Got exams all this week which is tough, but that's life for you. Normal life.
Can't sleep which sucks because that pushes me towards the edge which I really can't deal with going back to right now. Rapid cycling sucks. Especially if you haven't had a break for a year and a half! At least the mood swings are beginning to get more spaced out now.
Got exams all this week which is tough, but that's life for you. Normal life.
Monday, 7 March 2011
I can't breathe
Last night I made a very poor attempt to end my life and get rid of this agony. It was the only way at the time. I was suffocating in a mental agony so great that I was physically writhing on the floor. So i tried to suffocate in reality to end the torture. I cannot escape it if its there in my mind and the only way to stop my mind is death.
But we won't run, we won't hide and I am fighting. I am fucking fighting hard for my life. I will fight to the death.
But we won't run, we won't hide and I am fighting. I am fucking fighting hard for my life. I will fight to the death.
Sunday, 6 March 2011
A halfway death
It's the unending pain. Not physical pain that can be quenched and ignored. It's an undiscribable pain the you can't run from. Clenching in your chest poisoning your thoughts. Complete and utter unavoidable dispair. Help me I can't bear it.
Slipping suicidally into psychosis
I wish someone would save me. I wish somebody loved me for who I am and despite all my problems. Someone who didnt just use me and abuse me like every other guy in my life has. Then maybe I can stop feeling so empty and alone. Maybe I'll want to return to reality and fight the psychosis.
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