Ok so mentally I'm feeling better today but guess what? My glands are swollen hugely and I physically feel like shit. Whoopee. Went to the doctor who told me that its either glandular fever or an allergic reaction to lamotrigene.
Its physically impossible to be normal and do normal things like my friends when I'm contstantly incapacitated like this. I'm meant to be having a pool party at mine this weekend which I'll probably have to cancel which is going to piss off people that have already paid for train tickets etc.
Everyday is a constant struggle in one way or another and I realise that life isn't easy and you can't just float through but how can you live if the pain is more than the gain?
Thursday, 15 July 2010
Wednesday, 14 July 2010
SELFISH
Who the FUCK gets suicidal when their parents tell them they can't have a party?
Do I write a note or not? Do I make them feel bad?
Shall overdose on the depakote and the fluoxetine with the lamotrigene or not?
I'm a fucking brat. I would kill myself because I'm not getting my way. I may try to kid myself that its because if I'm over protected from life then whats the point living if you can't experience it, but maybe you know better.
Do I write a note or not? Do I make them feel bad?
Shall overdose on the depakote and the fluoxetine with the lamotrigene or not?
I'm a fucking brat. I would kill myself because I'm not getting my way. I may try to kid myself that its because if I'm over protected from life then whats the point living if you can't experience it, but maybe you know better.
Sunday, 11 July 2010
Weee!! and down I go.
So here come the insecurities, those little niggling doubts about yourself and the paranoia that everything around you is a lie; even worse is the fact that you couldn't give a shit. Whats the worst that can go wrong when you have no fear of death or pain?
It doesn't help that I'm a cynic, but lately I've found myself even more cynical about friendships and love and morals to the extent that it is probably distorting my own friendships and therefore increasing my own cynisism in a lovely helterskelter ride.
The problem is that for the past month or so I've been on a fabulous high, kept slightly in check by many different drugs. If I hit the bottom of this ride again it could prove to be one time to many.
Am I slipping into depression or is this just a blip? I haven't been on my best behaviour lately, gone against pretty much everything my doctors said not to do, drink, drugs, multiple late nights in a row, emotional films when I'm feeling fragile. Well lets just hope it doesn't last.
It doesn't help that I'm a cynic, but lately I've found myself even more cynical about friendships and love and morals to the extent that it is probably distorting my own friendships and therefore increasing my own cynisism in a lovely helterskelter ride.
The problem is that for the past month or so I've been on a fabulous high, kept slightly in check by many different drugs. If I hit the bottom of this ride again it could prove to be one time to many.
Am I slipping into depression or is this just a blip? I haven't been on my best behaviour lately, gone against pretty much everything my doctors said not to do, drink, drugs, multiple late nights in a row, emotional films when I'm feeling fragile. Well lets just hope it doesn't last.
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