L'histoire de moi

Ok well I can't remember what I've said in my other blogs about my past but here it's is in full(well more of an overview actually):

I have never had a long term best friend. Since I was a child I flitted about from friend to friend which was probably early signs of my disorder. During my childhood I would have phases were I was popular and then suddenly feel like no one liked me - all in my head because in other people's reality nothing had changed.

At the age of about 8 I began to feel as though I wasn't part of the world everyone else was living in. At 10 I had a premonition that I would not live longer than 14 years old.

Between 11 and 12 yro I entered self destruction mode. I became paranoid and obsessed, believing my parent didn't love me but adored my brother. I found pictures everywhere of the three of them looking so happy and I began to convince myself that they no longer loved me and would carry on to lead perfectly normal lives with out me in it.

I have suffered from insomnia most of my life and during this period I spiralled down into an inexplicable black depression at age 12. I began to steal gin and whiskey from my parents cabinet and would have a drinking glass amount of spirit every day before school. I stopped sleeping completely at night and would pass out during the day. My world became a living nightmare. My brain twisted everything to evil. You can't run away from your mind.

I also had pressure from another source I shall refer to as miss q. I think I will continue this story in another post.

Eventually there was the breaking point. Triggered by my mum shouting at me for doing the microwave wrong. This was then twisted to evil and became the final proof that she didn't love me. I had created a suicide kit in advance consisting of a waterbottle filled with gin,
and a few paracetamol. I took these and then panicked I rushed into every room and stuffed handfuls of all the pill I could find into my mouth. In total I took over 60 pills.

On November 30th - my OD day - I will probably go into more detail ahoy that night but for now all you need to know I went to hospital and survived. I was not able to look my parents in the eyes for a long time.

After that my parents began to take me more seriously but it was not until this year when I was diagnosed that they truly believed me. I know that they asked my councellors once if I was just doing it for attention. I shall end part one just before my new school, my attempt at a fresh start.

Up up uppity up

Although my writing might not show it because my dad has drugged me. Made me take a sleeping pill so i calm down. Gayyyy. I refuse to sleep. I've had churchills black dog for the past 4 days and its not only slunk off with its tail between its legs, but left me with immense insane happyness. I can feel the drug making everything slow and sleepy but I mustn't sleep! Other wise the happiness will go. And im sick of being angry and depressed!

A few things that appear to need straightening out.

Thank you to everyone for their concern it means a lot. There are a few things I think people have got the wrong idea about so I'll try and put that right.

I don't want it to seem like my parents are in any way a cause of all of this. They have been nothing but supportive and loving to me. I have not been hurt by them, they are the ones that have been hurt by me and my actions - unintentionally. Although I have had issues with past doctors, and new issues with a more recent doctor that I will go into in another post, my doctors at the moment are great. They come to my house whenever I need them and will see me at any time at last minute notification. The meds appear to be starting to kick in but its a very long process to get onto the right medication and for it to have full effect.

The main issue is me myself. For reasons that are unknown to me, a part of me does not want to get better and until that changes its going to be a long and rocky road.

I am the lost girl. I am the misfit.

I am the girl that has so much to say but cannot say it.

I am the girl who seems part of it all but no one notices.

I am the girl that can't leave a room for fear of falling.

I am the girl with the hidden heart

That no one may touch and none can heal.