Keep it in the past.

There are secrets I can never reveal. Even to this blog for fear that anyone may ever find it. They haunt me nightly at the moment. During my psychosis I experienced and hallucinated indescribable things. I need them to stop before I lose my mind again.

Life does like to slap you when you're down.

I'm going to a funeral tomorrow. A funeral of a friend who didn't get the chance to become an adult and see where life could take her. The circumstances are much, much closer to home than is comfortable.

But I have experience on my side. I have a great support network and great friends. I'm not depressed yet, I'm just mourning like anyone would.

I won't let the stress and the illnesses kill me. I have seen TOO MANY times the devastation it leaves behind. Its not just you're own life you're taking. Remember that.

R.I.P girly I'm sorry that you could see no other way out.

Mood memory

It's the most bizarre feeling looking back at some of my blogs and feeling as though a stranger has written them.

Anyone who has experienced depression will know that it is physically impossible to 'just think of happy things' you're depressed.

Likewise when I experience the opposite side of the spectrum I find it impossible to remember what could possibly have made me so miserable. When I am at my highest heights I can't even comprehend that there is anything less than wonderful in the universe at all.

I can only identify with some posts at one time. It's a good way to be able to see all the different angles of my emotion although the blog is a bit biased because I write the most when I'm going through a particularly stressful time.

I'm honest in this blog which is why I have it. It's one place where I can write what's really in my heart and people can handle it. If they can't they just click the next blog. Simples.

Post Created 30 Apr 2011 00:37:17

Put out the fire
Stop the burning
Stop the longing for how it could be.

Turn off my heart
Shut down my brain
Stop the dreaming for how it should be.

Life without you
Is no life at all
How can I live for what will never be.


I love you and always will but my world is despair it rots and corrupts everyone around it. I love you so I want you to be free. To love someone who will make you happy. I don't ever want to see you dragged down. And so even if you're with her and it tears me up inside I have to let you go. This is why I'll never tell you how I feel.

I'll never tell you that you make me smile when no one else can. Only you can stop the paranoia. I love everything about you. I love your lips when we kiss. The way you make me feel with the most innocent of touches. I love how thoughtful you are.

I hate it when you leave me. I hate not being able to say I love you. I hate how far away you are. I hate that we might never be together again apart from as friends. So torturously close.

But you must go and never get sucked into this.

Night terrors

Why is it that things are so bad at night time? I'm ok in the day but at night it comes to haunt me. All the bad stuff I bottle up in the day, all the things I don't do and all the things I don't say. I love him and it hurts so badly. No one will ever be as beautiful or funny or get me like he does. Or be able to calm all my fears with exactly the right thing to say.

I hope he doesn't stay with her. I don't want him to be with me either, because that won't work. I just don't want him to ever really move on and when a time comes that it will work between us again we can be together. I know he still has feelings for me I just hope he keeps them. Is this naive? Unrealistic?

I've always taken pride in the fact that I can see the truth but here I feel blind! Am I fooling myself? If so please let me move on.

Dreams

I am so excited I haven't been able to sleep for the past few nights. I'm going to learn to kitesurf! It's been my dream since I was young - something that I've always wanted to do.

The thing is it's going to be the answer to all my problems! I'm so so so happy! I'll be doing exercise which will boost my endorphins and think of those washboard abs in time for summer! I won't be insecure about getting fat and everything will be wonderful!

Pain

I am completely and utterly fascinated by the theories about pain gates. I definitely believe that pain can be extinguished by the mind there is lots of evidence to support this such as the monks who can train themselves to walk over hot coals.

There is also a Hindu festival called thaipusam during which some pilgrims are pierced with skewers but feel no pain because they believe that they have passed wholly under the protection of the deity who will not allow him/her to shed blood or suffer pain.

I also have reason to believe in paingates because I can turn pain off when I am hurt or cut myself. I haven't pushed this to a limit however so it may just be that I have a very high pain threshold. But then perhaps a pain threshold connects to paingates. Higher pain intenstity is needed to push them open.

CIPA is a condition in which the sufferer cannot feel pain. They can still feel touch however. Perhaps this is caused by an innate closure of the paingates. As good as it may seem not to feel pain this is a crippling condition as the sufferers often cause a lot of damage to themselves in particularly their joints. In one case a child with CIPA stuck his head in a fireplace because he thought the fire was pretty. He survived but was crippled for the rest of his life.

I think instead of psychology I want to study neuro science so that I can begin to understand more about this.

Old habits die hard.

It all started yesterday with an ordinary car journey and ended in hell and destruction.

The car journey started off and then nearly ended fine but right bfore the end I found I couldn't breathe. It was like I had breathed something in and I was choking. I felt dizzy and I had to pull over on the side of the road and get out to breathe. Eventually it subsided a bit and I managed to drive the short distance back home. I felt fine apart from being a bit freaked out. If it had happened any earlier on the journey I would have been on the motorway and could have killed everyone in my car.

As soon as I went upstairs to my room it started again and I went downstairs to my parents desparately asking them to look for my inhalers. They could both see I was distressed and Mum got me a bowl of steam and had a look for the inhalers. Apart from that they ignored me. No words of comfort which was what I really needed.

Out of nowhere this huge burst of anger rose up and I stormed out the room. I spilt the hot water all over myself which just made everything worse and I swore and stormed up the stairs punching all the walls. I threw chairs around my room and screamed.

I have never been an angry or violent person and this terrified my parents. My Dad tried to come in the room but stood in the doorway with the door half shielding him. I have never seen such fear in his eyes. Fear of me. I was screaming and cursing at him and when the words ran out I just carried on screaming anyway. I screamed that I was fucking scared and didn't know what was happening but the thing is I was only scared of him seeing the force of the emotions. What he doesn't know and can't possibly understand is that what he saw was only a tenth of what I feel when I'm low and in agony from the pain of the emotions I'm supressing.

I hide it from my parents because they can't deal with it. Point proven when I tried to calmly talk to them about things they could do to make it easier for me (not assuming everything I do is because of hypochondria and therefore needs to be ignored for example). My Mum took it as a personal attack, she acts like a cornered rat when she feels threatened, so she turned it round on me which was exactly what I didn't need when I was in such a fragile state. Then worst of all she began to laugh at me.

I've started cutting again. Forgotten how incredible it feels.

Phewf

Feeling quite a lot better this week. I haven't felt that bad in a long long long time. Now I remember rock bottom. Not cool. Thank you so much people that commented it was really nice to know that you were there.

Can't sleep which sucks because that pushes me towards the edge which I really can't deal with going back to right now. Rapid cycling sucks. Especially if you haven't had a break for a year and a half! At least the mood swings are beginning to get more spaced out now.

Got exams all this week which is tough, but that's life for you. Normal life.

I can't breathe

Last night I made a very poor attempt to end my life and get rid of this agony. It was the only way at the time. I was suffocating in a mental agony so great that I was physically writhing on the floor. So i tried to suffocate in reality to end the torture. I cannot escape it if its there in my mind and the only way to stop my mind is death.

But we won't run, we won't hide and I am fighting. I am fucking fighting hard for my life. I will fight to the death.

A halfway death

It's the unending pain. Not physical pain that can be quenched and ignored. It's an undiscribable pain the you can't run from. Clenching in your chest poisoning your thoughts. Complete and utter unavoidable dispair. Help me I can't bear it.

Slipping suicidally into psychosis

I wish someone would save me. I wish somebody loved me for who I am and despite all my problems. Someone who didnt just use me and abuse me like every other guy in my life has. Then maybe I can stop feeling so empty and alone. Maybe I'll want to return to reality and fight the psychosis.

Losing reality again

I'm scared and no one around me understands.

Haven't written in a while..

I'm in a bit of a lazy mood at the moment. Lazy / depressed / mixed /manic. Not actually sure what's going on with me at the moment. I'm not getting any work done and I just feel like everything is going to fail. My mum told me I can't get a job because I have no qualifications and even if I do I'll get fired because the bipolar will stop me working like it does with school stuff. Why bother?

On a different note I'm so happy that a certain someone is alive! I'm struggling with feeling suicidal at the moment but realised that if I'm glad you're alive I should probably be glad I'm alive.. or something.. I'll work it out some day when my heads clearer.

Please make it stop.

Everyone says you just have to hang on in and the lows will go away. In my case maybe for a day or half a week at most but then they come back. So they don't really ever go away. Maybe I do have to bear this for the rest of my life.

I can't go up on the anti-depressants because that will just make me have uncontrollably high manic episodes and as you can see from the last post the mixed ones are particularly unpleasant.

So do I have to live with every other day feeling like I can't go on with life? If I do, it won't be long before I give up.

Help, this is my scream.

I had it. Perfect. And now they're gonna take it away. They'd rather i was in a black hole of despair then happy. No one can know im losing ocnmtrol. I can barely type right now I'm so manic. I jsut halucintated that my parents had let them take me and lock me up and I was screaming at them telling them, begging them to see that I'm not crazy that it was jsut the asylum that made it seem as though I was. It was only because they believed that I was crazy that I seemed crazy.

Probably indicates that I'm losing it. I can't. I have exams coming up I've finally got my concentration back and I've been WORKING.  I CAN DO IT. PLEASE FUCKING LET ME BE.

WHY. WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY. Why can't I be happy why cant things be good. If they force me back down I will die. All my hope will go I've been in hell for far too long and too often to go back. If I do one more time I can't survive. IM HAPPY. FOR FUCKS SAKE IM HAPPY.

I have my friends, everything is going so well, I can deal with my mum and I can fight my battles. Please don't let this be the fight I lose. If I lose this is the end.

Bipolar disorder kills 22% of females with this illness. Please don't let it be me.