SELFISH

Who the FUCK gets suicidal when their parents tell them they can't have a party?

Do I write a note or not? Do I make them feel bad?

Shall overdose on the depakote and the fluoxetine with the lamotrigene or not?

I'm a fucking brat. I would kill myself because I'm not getting my way. I may try to kid myself that its because if I'm over protected from life then whats the point living if you can't experience it, but maybe you know better.

Weee!! and down I go.

So here come the insecurities, those little niggling doubts about yourself and the paranoia that everything around you is a lie; even worse is the fact that you couldn't give a shit. Whats the worst that can go wrong when you have no fear of death or pain?

It doesn't help that I'm a cynic, but lately I've found myself even more cynical about friendships and love and morals to the extent that it is probably distorting my own friendships and therefore increasing my own cynisism in a lovely helterskelter ride.

The problem is that for the past month or so I've been on a fabulous high, kept slightly in check by many different drugs. If I hit the bottom of this ride again it could prove to be one time to many.

Am I slipping into depression or is this just a blip? I haven't been on my best behaviour lately, gone against pretty much everything my doctors said not to do, drink, drugs, multiple late nights in a row, emotional films when I'm feeling fragile. Well lets just hope it doesn't last.

High as a kite, lets get piercing.

So I've been manic about a week and two days ago I decided I wanted to get my belly button repierced. I then also decided to get my ears done as well so I popped down to the local tattoo place, parted with £100 and ended up with a belly button piercing, an inner cartilage piercing on my right ear and two outer cartilage piercings on my left which are gonna be a scaffold piercing.

I'm still in a place where I want this disease. I want this unpredictability. I don't know how to explain it because I can't even explain it to myself. I think I am mostly in control even when I'm high but I just have less inhibitions. I think its a good thing. Like a blessing. Maybe I'll see it from a different point of view when I'm in a different state of mind I don't know.

SLOOOWWW MOTTIIIOOOONNNN

I have an exam tomorow. Little bit important. And right now I can't sleep as my mind is to busy trying to figure out the concept of "you" or "oneself".

So if we start by saying that "you" are your thoughts at a specific moment in time. If you think about it you aren't the same you that you were a moment ago and if you met other yous from the past you would be similar but you wouldn't be inside the head of the other yous. Therefore, oneself is always a present being.


AAAAAAAAAAAhhhhhhhhhhh. The point is that this pondering is not going to help me with my biology AS tomorrow.

One the one hand this illness is a fucking paaiinn in the ass but on the other I don't know how I'd cope with losing the thoughts and ideas that it brings with it.

To pill or not to pill?

I am forgetting why I'm on these pills... When I'm depressed I think about whether or not I would prefer to have bipolar and losing it is something that I cant even bear to imagine. Its a drug and in my opinion in my state of mind right now (normalish - slightly hypomanic) the lows are worth the highs. I don't want to give them up. I refuse to be normal and unimaginative. I want to live all of life! I want the extreme emotions, the extreme colour and feelings that normal people don't get! I can find wonderland in my own head and what is wrong with that?

Mind over matter

No one can truly understand how difficult it is to live with a mental illness unless they have experianced it. You can never run away from your own mind. The saying is mind over matter not mind over mind because how can you fight your own conciousness? Apart from death, but thats not a great option.

The problem with bipolar is in the highs you forget how bad the lows are. And worse than that, you just don't care. At the time it seems worth it. But everything has a price and right now I'm paying that price. As well as feeling down which in itself is terrible, there's this huge feeling of loss. My happiness is gone. Will I ever be happy again?

It probably doesn't help that I've just watched avatar for the first time and can't see the point of living seeing as I'm not blue and don't live on an incredibly cool planet with awesome birds that you can fly on etc. Where the hell am I gonna get my kicks if I can't connect my hair to a toruk and dive at horrendous speeds next to a vertical cliff face?

Down, down, down, down.

So the pills are dragging me out of the sky. About as painful as you can get I feel like something is being ripped out of me and slowly being fed through a shredder, like I'll never ever feel that happiness again. I know the doctor says that the happiness - mania - is bad because its burning up seratonin but at the moment I just can't really see that it's not worth it. Anyway the pills are really kicking in and the screen is going blurry so thats all I can write for now. Adios.