Meep

I asked my doctor for antidepressants on Monday after breaking down YET AGAIN in front of my Dad. Everything has just be horrible for so long. Today things were good for the first time, I have hope again and an achievable future. I might ACTUALLY be able to leave school at the end of this year which I desperately want to do! The good feeling lasted all of 4 hours (out of like 4 months - well I haven't checked but that's how it feels...) and then I went depressed again but went into a fucking mixed state (emotional hell) and sped past a speed camera (could lose my license), played slalem round the chicanes and raced any cars in the next-door lane. Safety first kids.

Its annoying because for those four hours I thought I wasn't going to need any antidepressants after all. And now I'm not sure if they'll make me happy, or turn me mixed or manic so that I throw my recently attainably life away again.

My insecurities will eat me alive

I'm so pathetically needy at the moment. I'm terrified of being rejected and am constantly imagining people talking about what a FREAK I am behind my back. I know people care but at the same time I don't believe it. I want to run away from everything. Dye my hair and eyebrows blonde and have a fringe that covers my face so no one will recognise me. I don't want to have to confront reality and face the threat of failure. I can't fail. I've never failed. If I don't try then I can't fail my expectations.

Relapse

Been writing this for a while when I can get a chance away from the watching eyes of the nurses.

I'm back in hospital. Been here since saturday morning. Predictable considering the last post.

Sadly they found my pills. I had over ninety pills hidden in a locker at school in case there was no other way out. Now there really is no way out and that terrifies me. I was so angry I started cutting myself again. It was also to prove that I could. That they couldn't stop me if I really wanted to do something.

But do I want to do something? Clearly not otherwise I guess I would have done already. So what do I want? What's the point? If anyone has any ideas they would be greatly appreciated.

Letters from the dead

I saw my ex today! We ended on good terms and he's still one of my best friends so it was great to see him as he's just come back from Uni. I was so happy to see him but after he left I felt really weird. I'm not sure what I felt weird about or why, I just felt unsettled.

                        I want to die

Went back to school after lunch with him and was greeted with cold stares from the girls in my house (its like a boarding house but for day students). Obviously this put a downer on my mood. Even more than it usually would because its been going on for days and there's no reason for it to. I feel like a nobody and an outsider in the place where I spend most of my time. Yes it happens to everybody but that doesn't stop you feeling like shit.

I'm not meant to be here

Its not that they all dislike me. There are eight of us in our year in the house and two very divided groups. Three in one and three in the other - yes I can count - and Tara and Me. We're in the middle. Best friends. The problem is that she is better friends with one group and I'm closer to the other. She is also one of the sportiest people on the planet which means that shes never in the house and I'm left in the house on my own with one group that doesn't like me and the others who like me but are too wrapped up in girl world to remember me. So after feeling shit which sadly caused me to feel depressed (which irratatingly causes motor retardation in me so I can hardly walk, talk or think) I then had to go sit through an hour of studying how the infrared spectra something molecular does something to something. As you can see, no matter how many hundreds of times I read the paragraph it didn't sink in. Et voila! More depressed. My car is now stuck at school because I can't drive when I'm depressed - motor retardation etc, - last time I did I got three points on my license and I only have one chance left. Instead I got a lift back with some friends which cheered me up. Good mood finally!

Let me die

I've just finished having dinner with my parents and a few of their friends including my uncle who had us all in stitches for the majority of the night. He told a particularly brilliant story about his pencil sharpening obsession. It was a really fun evening. SO WHY COULD I NOT STOP PLANNING MY SUICIDE NOTE.

I wrote a fucking guest list. The names of people who I would write to. What I would say. How they would discover it (This blog is my suicide note in case of emergeancy and the web address would be written on the left door of my left-hand cupboard). I planned every scenario whilst laughing along to everyone's jokes and smiling with my parents.

 I am here for them and no matter how hard it is I need to stay here for them.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Ok so a few things may have got to me recently.

1. A certain someone who is hugely arrogant and annoying and not pretty and not funny and shouldn't have friends but for some reason does, not that I like many of her friends very much.
Things I hate about her:

• Biggest suck up you'll ever meet (apart from C).
• She is so naive but thinks she knows everything.
• Thinks she's super intelligent but actually she just has to work super hard.
• The fake-cute voice, combined with her moon face and her prissy prance its not pleasant.
• Her walk. Seriously. Makes you want to stab her.

2. Everybody having all the private chats about silly little things that no one cares about but are to important for anyone that isn't their bestest best friend. FUCK OFF I don't give a shit I just don't want to awkwardly sit here like a lemon because you can't let me hear what BLAH totally said about BLAH. OMBLAH.

3. Arrogant little bitches in the year below. Really? You're going to say rude comments to look cool to your little friend? I could tell you all about how you look like a rat and are going to fail in life because you have the mental capacity of a mole. But no. As your HOUSE PREFECT I'll just be a petty bitch and give you a 10 page essay on arrogance and rudeness due tomorrow. Call me what you like, you can have another 10 pages if you're that desperate.

I'm fine I swear

Tonight I got home determined I was going to do it. I tried not to think about it but I had this huge rush of adrenalin. I sat here in front of this computer trying to write, to get the emotions out before they killed me.

My parents came back. So did reality.

I wish that everyone would just turn round to me and say its ok, we'll be fine. Because I'll be fine. Nothing would ever be able to make me not fine again.

Sex, Love and Lies

When I was younger I was a slut. I lost my virginity at 14 and it meant nothing to me. The boyfriend I lost it to told me he loved me which for some reason I'm still not sure about freaked me out so much I then slept with his two best friends. I used people and sometimes got with people just because someone else fancied them. Maybe it was because I had no self confidence and used sex as a form of self destruction. Or maybe I just wanted to.

I don't believe in love. Not in the romantic sense. I'm not really sure what I think about it. I know that I love my family but thats different, although I'm not sure why. I thought I was in love once and he said he loved me, but four months later it turns out he didn't mean the same thing. It scares me that no one will ever love me and for some reason I feel like no one can, like somethings wrong with me. I used people in the past so that no one could use me. I gave that up this summer and ended up being used so now I think I'm going to scrap that idea.

Fuck you to everyone who claims they care. I don't give a shit, its all fucking fake. I give up pretending that sex means something. I was right the first time round. Fuck you to all the people that pretend it does. Climb out of your naive little boxes and realise that nothing matters. Its only society that says we should be nice to each other. In reality all people care about is themselves.

People are nice to make themselves feel like a good person. You give to charity so that you don't feel guilty about people less well off, and get pleasure out of being a kind person. No one would do it if it made them feel shit in order to let someone else get the benefit. You say you love someone so they will say it back and you can feel like your the centre of someones universe. In the words of Rihanna:

Want you to make me feel like I’m the only girl in the world

Like I’m the only one that you’ll ever love
Like I’m the only one who knows your heart.