Insomnia

A friend very kindly reminded me that there is one way out: death. He wasn't actually being mean, just very drunk and insensitive. Anyway now I can't get it out of my head now I just want to go to sleep and never wake up.

Typical.

Ok so mentally I'm feeling better today but guess what? My glands are swollen hugely and I physically feel like shit. Whoopee. Went to the doctor who told me that its either glandular fever or an allergic reaction to lamotrigene.

Its physically impossible to be normal and do normal things like my friends when I'm contstantly incapacitated like this. I'm meant to be having a pool party at mine this weekend which I'll probably have to cancel which is going to piss off people that have already paid for train tickets etc.

Everyday is a constant struggle in one way or another and I realise that life isn't easy and you can't just float through but how can you live if the pain is more than the gain?

SELFISH

Who the FUCK gets suicidal when their parents tell them they can't have a party?

Do I write a note or not? Do I make them feel bad?

Shall overdose on the depakote and the fluoxetine with the lamotrigene or not?

I'm a fucking brat. I would kill myself because I'm not getting my way. I may try to kid myself that its because if I'm over protected from life then whats the point living if you can't experience it, but maybe you know better.

Weee!! and down I go.

So here come the insecurities, those little niggling doubts about yourself and the paranoia that everything around you is a lie; even worse is the fact that you couldn't give a shit. Whats the worst that can go wrong when you have no fear of death or pain?

It doesn't help that I'm a cynic, but lately I've found myself even more cynical about friendships and love and morals to the extent that it is probably distorting my own friendships and therefore increasing my own cynisism in a lovely helterskelter ride.

The problem is that for the past month or so I've been on a fabulous high, kept slightly in check by many different drugs. If I hit the bottom of this ride again it could prove to be one time to many.

Am I slipping into depression or is this just a blip? I haven't been on my best behaviour lately, gone against pretty much everything my doctors said not to do, drink, drugs, multiple late nights in a row, emotional films when I'm feeling fragile. Well lets just hope it doesn't last.

High as a kite, lets get piercing.

So I've been manic about a week and two days ago I decided I wanted to get my belly button repierced. I then also decided to get my ears done as well so I popped down to the local tattoo place, parted with £100 and ended up with a belly button piercing, an inner cartilage piercing on my right ear and two outer cartilage piercings on my left which are gonna be a scaffold piercing.

I'm still in a place where I want this disease. I want this unpredictability. I don't know how to explain it because I can't even explain it to myself. I think I am mostly in control even when I'm high but I just have less inhibitions. I think its a good thing. Like a blessing. Maybe I'll see it from a different point of view when I'm in a different state of mind I don't know.

SLOOOWWW MOTTIIIOOOONNNN

I have an exam tomorow. Little bit important. And right now I can't sleep as my mind is to busy trying to figure out the concept of "you" or "oneself".

So if we start by saying that "you" are your thoughts at a specific moment in time. If you think about it you aren't the same you that you were a moment ago and if you met other yous from the past you would be similar but you wouldn't be inside the head of the other yous. Therefore, oneself is always a present being.


AAAAAAAAAAAhhhhhhhhhhh. The point is that this pondering is not going to help me with my biology AS tomorrow.

One the one hand this illness is a fucking paaiinn in the ass but on the other I don't know how I'd cope with losing the thoughts and ideas that it brings with it.

To pill or not to pill?

I am forgetting why I'm on these pills... When I'm depressed I think about whether or not I would prefer to have bipolar and losing it is something that I cant even bear to imagine. Its a drug and in my opinion in my state of mind right now (normalish - slightly hypomanic) the lows are worth the highs. I don't want to give them up. I refuse to be normal and unimaginative. I want to live all of life! I want the extreme emotions, the extreme colour and feelings that normal people don't get! I can find wonderland in my own head and what is wrong with that?