Meep

I asked my doctor for antidepressants on Monday after breaking down YET AGAIN in front of my Dad. Everything has just be horrible for so long. Today things were good for the first time, I have hope again and an achievable future. I might ACTUALLY be able to leave school at the end of this year which I desperately want to do! The good feeling lasted all of 4 hours (out of like 4 months - well I haven't checked but that's how it feels...) and then I went depressed again but went into a fucking mixed state (emotional hell) and sped past a speed camera (could lose my license), played slalem round the chicanes and raced any cars in the next-door lane. Safety first kids.

Its annoying because for those four hours I thought I wasn't going to need any antidepressants after all. And now I'm not sure if they'll make me happy, or turn me mixed or manic so that I throw my recently attainably life away again.

My insecurities will eat me alive

I'm so pathetically needy at the moment. I'm terrified of being rejected and am constantly imagining people talking about what a FREAK I am behind my back. I know people care but at the same time I don't believe it. I want to run away from everything. Dye my hair and eyebrows blonde and have a fringe that covers my face so no one will recognise me. I don't want to have to confront reality and face the threat of failure. I can't fail. I've never failed. If I don't try then I can't fail my expectations.

Relapse

Been writing this for a while when I can get a chance away from the watching eyes of the nurses.

I'm back in hospital. Been here since saturday morning. Predictable considering the last post.

Sadly they found my pills. I had over ninety pills hidden in a locker at school in case there was no other way out. Now there really is no way out and that terrifies me. I was so angry I started cutting myself again. It was also to prove that I could. That they couldn't stop me if I really wanted to do something.

But do I want to do something? Clearly not otherwise I guess I would have done already. So what do I want? What's the point? If anyone has any ideas they would be greatly appreciated.

Letters from the dead

I saw my ex today! We ended on good terms and he's still one of my best friends so it was great to see him as he's just come back from Uni. I was so happy to see him but after he left I felt really weird. I'm not sure what I felt weird about or why, I just felt unsettled.

                        I want to die

Went back to school after lunch with him and was greeted with cold stares from the girls in my house (its like a boarding house but for day students). Obviously this put a downer on my mood. Even more than it usually would because its been going on for days and there's no reason for it to. I feel like a nobody and an outsider in the place where I spend most of my time. Yes it happens to everybody but that doesn't stop you feeling like shit.

I'm not meant to be here

Its not that they all dislike me. There are eight of us in our year in the house and two very divided groups. Three in one and three in the other - yes I can count - and Tara and Me. We're in the middle. Best friends. The problem is that she is better friends with one group and I'm closer to the other. She is also one of the sportiest people on the planet which means that shes never in the house and I'm left in the house on my own with one group that doesn't like me and the others who like me but are too wrapped up in girl world to remember me. So after feeling shit which sadly caused me to feel depressed (which irratatingly causes motor retardation in me so I can hardly walk, talk or think) I then had to go sit through an hour of studying how the infrared spectra something molecular does something to something. As you can see, no matter how many hundreds of times I read the paragraph it didn't sink in. Et voila! More depressed. My car is now stuck at school because I can't drive when I'm depressed - motor retardation etc, - last time I did I got three points on my license and I only have one chance left. Instead I got a lift back with some friends which cheered me up. Good mood finally!

Let me die

I've just finished having dinner with my parents and a few of their friends including my uncle who had us all in stitches for the majority of the night. He told a particularly brilliant story about his pencil sharpening obsession. It was a really fun evening. SO WHY COULD I NOT STOP PLANNING MY SUICIDE NOTE.

I wrote a fucking guest list. The names of people who I would write to. What I would say. How they would discover it (This blog is my suicide note in case of emergeancy and the web address would be written on the left door of my left-hand cupboard). I planned every scenario whilst laughing along to everyone's jokes and smiling with my parents.

 I am here for them and no matter how hard it is I need to stay here for them.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Ok so a few things may have got to me recently.

1. A certain someone who is hugely arrogant and annoying and not pretty and not funny and shouldn't have friends but for some reason does, not that I like many of her friends very much.
Things I hate about her:

• Biggest suck up you'll ever meet (apart from C).
• She is so naive but thinks she knows everything.
• Thinks she's super intelligent but actually she just has to work super hard.
• The fake-cute voice, combined with her moon face and her prissy prance its not pleasant.
• Her walk. Seriously. Makes you want to stab her.

2. Everybody having all the private chats about silly little things that no one cares about but are to important for anyone that isn't their bestest best friend. FUCK OFF I don't give a shit I just don't want to awkwardly sit here like a lemon because you can't let me hear what BLAH totally said about BLAH. OMBLAH.

3. Arrogant little bitches in the year below. Really? You're going to say rude comments to look cool to your little friend? I could tell you all about how you look like a rat and are going to fail in life because you have the mental capacity of a mole. But no. As your HOUSE PREFECT I'll just be a petty bitch and give you a 10 page essay on arrogance and rudeness due tomorrow. Call me what you like, you can have another 10 pages if you're that desperate.

I'm fine I swear

Tonight I got home determined I was going to do it. I tried not to think about it but I had this huge rush of adrenalin. I sat here in front of this computer trying to write, to get the emotions out before they killed me.

My parents came back. So did reality.

I wish that everyone would just turn round to me and say its ok, we'll be fine. Because I'll be fine. Nothing would ever be able to make me not fine again.

Sex, Love and Lies

When I was younger I was a slut. I lost my virginity at 14 and it meant nothing to me. The boyfriend I lost it to told me he loved me which for some reason I'm still not sure about freaked me out so much I then slept with his two best friends. I used people and sometimes got with people just because someone else fancied them. Maybe it was because I had no self confidence and used sex as a form of self destruction. Or maybe I just wanted to.

I don't believe in love. Not in the romantic sense. I'm not really sure what I think about it. I know that I love my family but thats different, although I'm not sure why. I thought I was in love once and he said he loved me, but four months later it turns out he didn't mean the same thing. It scares me that no one will ever love me and for some reason I feel like no one can, like somethings wrong with me. I used people in the past so that no one could use me. I gave that up this summer and ended up being used so now I think I'm going to scrap that idea.

Fuck you to everyone who claims they care. I don't give a shit, its all fucking fake. I give up pretending that sex means something. I was right the first time round. Fuck you to all the people that pretend it does. Climb out of your naive little boxes and realise that nothing matters. Its only society that says we should be nice to each other. In reality all people care about is themselves.

People are nice to make themselves feel like a good person. You give to charity so that you don't feel guilty about people less well off, and get pleasure out of being a kind person. No one would do it if it made them feel shit in order to let someone else get the benefit. You say you love someone so they will say it back and you can feel like your the centre of someones universe. In the words of Rihanna:

Want you to make me feel like I’m the only girl in the world

Like I’m the only one that you’ll ever love
Like I’m the only one who knows your heart.

Miss Q

Miss Q was not a friend. I don't remember why she decided to confide in me but she did. I don't know what was true, maybe all of it.

This is what little I remember of her story: Her father would physically abuse her and her brother. He beat her and locked her in the bathroom for hours and wouldn't allow her to eat. She was very depressed and wanted to kill herself.

Having heard this of course I wanted to help her. I'm a good listener and at age 12 there wasn't much more I could do. I didn't notice that her depression was beginning to drag me down too. One day she sent me a note. She had taken three sleeping pills that night. The next day another note arrived claiming she had taken four. This went on for another four days until I couldn't take it anymore. I ran to the headmistress and burst into the middle of a meeting in floods of tears. I thrust the note into her hand shouting I can't handle this and ran out.

I don't know/remember what happened after that. But I hated Miss Q for dumping that on me - which was a bit unfair of me as it was her plea for help and I had made the decision to help her. I was a bitch. I spread rumours about her being a lesbion, which back at age 12 was very very bad. Don't get me wrong, I'm not homophobic at all, but back then we weren't old enough to understand.

Since then I have always had issues about telling people if I am depressed because I don't want to trigger their depression or weigh them down with my shit. I have now forgiven Miss Q, although I don't think she ever realised that I hated her. I haven't seen her since I left that school so she wouldn't know I'd forgiven her either.

Fears and Phobias

1. Invasion of Personal Space ( IPS )
2. Invasion of Privacy ( IPrv )
3. Claustrophobia

My three main fears (that I can think of now). Pretty linked. Nothing has ever happened to me in life that I am aware of to provide a rational excuse for this. My Claustrophobia has addmittedly got better, but the other two have got worse.

Today I just got back from Morocco. Amazing trip had a lovely time. UNTIL IPS ruined it. Thats all it took. A whole holiday ruined and my good mood streak shattered. Yes that dramatically. Thats how strong my IPS fear is. It was an hours car journey spent in the middle seat ( which was not really meant to be a middle seat ) sandwiched between my brother and my mum. The smaller I tried to make myself the more they spread out. And to top that off I get carsick. It was very windy roads.

Since I got out of hospital I've also had this wierd thing about people touching me. Sometimes its there, sometimes its not. When its there I can't handle people standing next to me which is partly IPS and hugs are the most terrifying thing in the world.

IPS and IPrv literally make me want to slit my wrists. I get so angry with the culprits I want to destroy them. Not just physically hurt them, sabotage their whole lives. This is how hugely this affects me.

NB to the people that read this blog that I know in real life: I do not have IPS all the time! It will be obvious when I do.

Hypochondria

Last week my snot was orange. And no google, I do not mean that it had blood in it. It was FANTA orange. No green, not brown, not yellow, not pink or red. ORANGE. Why is this relevant? Because instead of thinking, like a normal person, I must have breathed in something wierd - like when you go somewhere dusty - I decided my brain was swelling (multiple emminent aneurisms perhaps) and the liquid that surrounds it was coming out my nose. Resulting in death.

Every tiny little sickness I get, I immediately think is a deadly disease. The other week I had a headache, a cough, feeling sick and a temperature. I convinced myself - genuinely believed - that I had a stiff neck aswell. Meningitis. Ok, your thinking maybe she's just cautious, those syptoms could easily be meningitis. And the pains that I get in my chest - logical answer is heartburn, my answer is heart attack. Sharp headache? Brain haemorrhage. Cough? Tuberculosis.

A quarter of me knows I don't have these illnesses. Half of me does genuinely believe I do. And you know whats really fucked up? That last quarter of me... wants these illnesses.

Do I want to die? Do I want sympathy? Do I want the attention?

I don't know. I don't think so. But maybe subconciously its a bit of all three.

L'histoire de moi

Ok well I can't remember what I've said in my other blogs about my past but here it's is in full(well more of an overview actually):

I have never had a long term best friend. Since I was a child I flitted about from friend to friend which was probably early signs of my disorder. During my childhood I would have phases were I was popular and then suddenly feel like no one liked me - all in my head because in other people's reality nothing had changed.

At the age of about 8 I began to feel as though I wasn't part of the world everyone else was living in. At 10 I had a premonition that I would not live longer than 14 years old.

Between 11 and 12 yro I entered self destruction mode. I became paranoid and obsessed, believing my parent didn't love me but adored my brother. I found pictures everywhere of the three of them looking so happy and I began to convince myself that they no longer loved me and would carry on to lead perfectly normal lives with out me in it.

I have suffered from insomnia most of my life and during this period I spiralled down into an inexplicable black depression at age 12. I began to steal gin and whiskey from my parents cabinet and would have a drinking glass amount of spirit every day before school. I stopped sleeping completely at night and would pass out during the day. My world became a living nightmare. My brain twisted everything to evil. You can't run away from your mind.

I also had pressure from another source I shall refer to as miss q. I think I will continue this story in another post.

Eventually there was the breaking point. Triggered by my mum shouting at me for doing the microwave wrong. This was then twisted to evil and became the final proof that she didn't love me. I had created a suicide kit in advance consisting of a waterbottle filled with gin,
and a few paracetamol. I took these and then panicked I rushed into every room and stuffed handfuls of all the pill I could find into my mouth. In total I took over 60 pills.

On November 30th - my OD day - I will probably go into more detail ahoy that night but for now all you need to know I went to hospital and survived. I was not able to look my parents in the eyes for a long time.

After that my parents began to take me more seriously but it was not until this year when I was diagnosed that they truly believed me. I know that they asked my councellors once if I was just doing it for attention. I shall end part one just before my new school, my attempt at a fresh start.

Up up uppity up

Although my writing might not show it because my dad has drugged me. Made me take a sleeping pill so i calm down. Gayyyy. I refuse to sleep. I've had churchills black dog for the past 4 days and its not only slunk off with its tail between its legs, but left me with immense insane happyness. I can feel the drug making everything slow and sleepy but I mustn't sleep! Other wise the happiness will go. And im sick of being angry and depressed!

A few things that appear to need straightening out.

Thank you to everyone for their concern it means a lot. There are a few things I think people have got the wrong idea about so I'll try and put that right.

I don't want it to seem like my parents are in any way a cause of all of this. They have been nothing but supportive and loving to me. I have not been hurt by them, they are the ones that have been hurt by me and my actions - unintentionally. Although I have had issues with past doctors, and new issues with a more recent doctor that I will go into in another post, my doctors at the moment are great. They come to my house whenever I need them and will see me at any time at last minute notification. The meds appear to be starting to kick in but its a very long process to get onto the right medication and for it to have full effect.

The main issue is me myself. For reasons that are unknown to me, a part of me does not want to get better and until that changes its going to be a long and rocky road.

I am the lost girl. I am the misfit.

I am the girl that has so much to say but cannot say it.

I am the girl who seems part of it all but no one notices.

I am the girl that can't leave a room for fear of falling.

I am the girl with the hidden heart

That no one may touch and none can heal.

Muscle is yellow

Well kids, in today's practical we have learnt that when you cut through your skin into the muscle it appears yellow before it bleeds. Ouchy.

Very irritating I cut myself but it went too deep, it was on the side of my arm though so not dangerous. I stitched it up myself with steristrips but then panicked and thought I needed to go to hospital to get it properly stitched up. Problem is, I had to let my parents know because I couldn't drive there myself obviously! Anyways that meant exposing the fact that I have been cutting myself. So very unnecessarily devastated parents. And lock down on activities and monitoring. That sucks.

Ahh now I get it

Turns out a scalpel is the way to go and luckily we have one in a sterilisation travel kit for africa. Much better.

Self harm

I've recently got into cutting my arm. Not to kill my self. I'm not even particularily depressed at the moment. Its more just to see how far I can go. It started off as barely surface scratches and they're gradually getting deeper but it doesn't hurt. I have a very high pain tolerance and if I concentrate hard I can turn off pain altogether in any situation. So even though I don't feel the pain, the reason I build up the depth gradually is that I don't like the feel it makes as your doing it. Its like the sound of chalk on a blackboard but a sensation. It rips rather than tears smoothly. Bit annoying. O well I'll keep trying.

Freedom?

Just got out of hospital. The wierd thing is that part of me wants to be back in there. I miss the security and the routine of the place. I miss the people that get me, that understand what I'm going through and don't judge because they're just as fucked up as I am. I miss being able to throw a tantrum and not reducing my parents to tears.

The truth is I'm really scared of the future. I don't want to have to take part in the real world again. I don't want to be responsible for my own life.

I've only got two weeks left until I have to go back to school - something I really don't want to have to do. I'll have to remember how to work all over again at the same time as remembering how to function and interact normally.

Life goes on - but I'd rather it didn't.

Insomnia

A friend very kindly reminded me that there is one way out: death. He wasn't actually being mean, just very drunk and insensitive. Anyway now I can't get it out of my head now I just want to go to sleep and never wake up.

Typical.

Ok so mentally I'm feeling better today but guess what? My glands are swollen hugely and I physically feel like shit. Whoopee. Went to the doctor who told me that its either glandular fever or an allergic reaction to lamotrigene.

Its physically impossible to be normal and do normal things like my friends when I'm contstantly incapacitated like this. I'm meant to be having a pool party at mine this weekend which I'll probably have to cancel which is going to piss off people that have already paid for train tickets etc.

Everyday is a constant struggle in one way or another and I realise that life isn't easy and you can't just float through but how can you live if the pain is more than the gain?

SELFISH

Who the FUCK gets suicidal when their parents tell them they can't have a party?

Do I write a note or not? Do I make them feel bad?

Shall overdose on the depakote and the fluoxetine with the lamotrigene or not?

I'm a fucking brat. I would kill myself because I'm not getting my way. I may try to kid myself that its because if I'm over protected from life then whats the point living if you can't experience it, but maybe you know better.

Weee!! and down I go.

So here come the insecurities, those little niggling doubts about yourself and the paranoia that everything around you is a lie; even worse is the fact that you couldn't give a shit. Whats the worst that can go wrong when you have no fear of death or pain?

It doesn't help that I'm a cynic, but lately I've found myself even more cynical about friendships and love and morals to the extent that it is probably distorting my own friendships and therefore increasing my own cynisism in a lovely helterskelter ride.

The problem is that for the past month or so I've been on a fabulous high, kept slightly in check by many different drugs. If I hit the bottom of this ride again it could prove to be one time to many.

Am I slipping into depression or is this just a blip? I haven't been on my best behaviour lately, gone against pretty much everything my doctors said not to do, drink, drugs, multiple late nights in a row, emotional films when I'm feeling fragile. Well lets just hope it doesn't last.

High as a kite, lets get piercing.

So I've been manic about a week and two days ago I decided I wanted to get my belly button repierced. I then also decided to get my ears done as well so I popped down to the local tattoo place, parted with £100 and ended up with a belly button piercing, an inner cartilage piercing on my right ear and two outer cartilage piercings on my left which are gonna be a scaffold piercing.

I'm still in a place where I want this disease. I want this unpredictability. I don't know how to explain it because I can't even explain it to myself. I think I am mostly in control even when I'm high but I just have less inhibitions. I think its a good thing. Like a blessing. Maybe I'll see it from a different point of view when I'm in a different state of mind I don't know.

SLOOOWWW MOTTIIIOOOONNNN

I have an exam tomorow. Little bit important. And right now I can't sleep as my mind is to busy trying to figure out the concept of "you" or "oneself".

So if we start by saying that "you" are your thoughts at a specific moment in time. If you think about it you aren't the same you that you were a moment ago and if you met other yous from the past you would be similar but you wouldn't be inside the head of the other yous. Therefore, oneself is always a present being.


AAAAAAAAAAAhhhhhhhhhhh. The point is that this pondering is not going to help me with my biology AS tomorrow.

One the one hand this illness is a fucking paaiinn in the ass but on the other I don't know how I'd cope with losing the thoughts and ideas that it brings with it.

To pill or not to pill?

I am forgetting why I'm on these pills... When I'm depressed I think about whether or not I would prefer to have bipolar and losing it is something that I cant even bear to imagine. Its a drug and in my opinion in my state of mind right now (normalish - slightly hypomanic) the lows are worth the highs. I don't want to give them up. I refuse to be normal and unimaginative. I want to live all of life! I want the extreme emotions, the extreme colour and feelings that normal people don't get! I can find wonderland in my own head and what is wrong with that?

Mind over matter

No one can truly understand how difficult it is to live with a mental illness unless they have experianced it. You can never run away from your own mind. The saying is mind over matter not mind over mind because how can you fight your own conciousness? Apart from death, but thats not a great option.

The problem with bipolar is in the highs you forget how bad the lows are. And worse than that, you just don't care. At the time it seems worth it. But everything has a price and right now I'm paying that price. As well as feeling down which in itself is terrible, there's this huge feeling of loss. My happiness is gone. Will I ever be happy again?

It probably doesn't help that I've just watched avatar for the first time and can't see the point of living seeing as I'm not blue and don't live on an incredibly cool planet with awesome birds that you can fly on etc. Where the hell am I gonna get my kicks if I can't connect my hair to a toruk and dive at horrendous speeds next to a vertical cliff face?

Down, down, down, down.

So the pills are dragging me out of the sky. About as painful as you can get I feel like something is being ripped out of me and slowly being fed through a shredder, like I'll never ever feel that happiness again. I know the doctor says that the happiness - mania - is bad because its burning up seratonin but at the moment I just can't really see that it's not worth it. Anyway the pills are really kicking in and the screen is going blurry so thats all I can write for now. Adios.

My song so far

So whilst i was manic last week i managed to write the middle of a song on my guitar. Sadly the pills are bringing me down and my inspiration is disapearing :'(  but heres what i've written so far. Its kinda folk style.


D
The kiss on your lips
A
as I mumble and mutter
G                                    D   A
the world keeps tumbling by__.

D
Softly you hold me
A
and whisper just to me
G                         D   A
that everything is alright:


D        A           D  A  B(might not be a B im not sure)
And I____ just sigh___.

I am afraid,
my whole life lies before me
but I know that I will survive

'Cos I___ can fly.
As long as your by__ my side.

Diagnosis!

Ok so I was seeing a psychiatrist, Dr Owl, for about 2 months now and getting absolutely nowhere. She said it could be all kinds of things that was wrong with me such as a sleep disorder, epilepsy, SAD etc.. Dr Owl then prescribed me fluoxetine and seroquel. The seroquel completely knocked me out and turned me into a zombie so I started taking it only at night. Then last week the fluoxetine picked me out of my low and flung me into mania. Where I've been ever since. WOOP WOOP.

So today I went to see another doctor and he immediately saw the obvious symptoms and diagnosed me as Bipolar type 1 !!! Result. Feels so amazing to have a name to describe what I feel. And also confirms what I guessed all along!

Telepathy

Ok so basicly I was thinking. A lot. I have about a billion thoughts in my head right now... Anyways keep losing track! But basicly one of those thoughts was about how thoughts are electronic impulses that shoot through some of the nerves in our brain. Well i think so anyway... Only on AS biology at the moment so there isn't and neurology involved yet :( Feel free to correct me! And ok so these impulses have to be insulated. But what if not all of the impulse is insulated and some escapes the nerves so that if you had the proper technology (it would have to be invented first) you could pick up the stray signals and read them! Little bit of a scary thought cos I appreciate my privacy.

I heard about these identical twins that would burst into tears if the other one was crying. Even if they weren't in the same room and didn't know the other one was crying. What if those twins had the ability to comprehend the stray tear thought impulses from the other twin? What if there are some people somewhere that can understand and 'hear' those impulses? Well maybe its crazy talk but i'm gonna look into it so feel free to give me your thoughts!

What's wrong with me?

So basicly I keep seeing things, maybe they're hallucinations and its all in my head, I don't know. Today I may have travelled into another dimension again. It happened yesterday as well. I get this feeling like im dizzy and everything ripples and vibrates, and then I notice that everything looks slightly different. The rooms are slightly bigger or smaller or different shapes and everything seems to be almost 2D. Not completely 2D but not completely 3D anymore either. The most noticeable things are the trees. I don't know why but they draw my attention.

Today when it happened I was walking with my mother. I had this feeling something was following us. I could hear footsteps behind me. Not human footsteps but a kind of animal rustling. It was 5 minutes later when I realised that the person next to me was no longer my mother but someone that just looked and sounded like her. I panicked and screamed. I had no idea where they were taking me. I told them I needed to sit down and they let me so I looked for somewhere to escape too. It was whilst I was looking for an escape the world began to become more 3D and then the person beside me was my mother again.

I've been told that I might be bipolar but haven't been properly diagnosed yet. I get really bad periods of moods where sometimes I feel on top of the world and nothing can hurt me so I pile on the work because I can deal with it all. The the mood switches and I realise that I'm not meant to be alive. Sometimes I think not everyone is meant to live to be an adult. Right now I'm in a really down mood. I see myself dying all the time and often see visions of friends and family dying. Sometimes I feel so numb because nothing matters if your not going to be alive for much longer.

Sorry to be so depressing but had to vent somewhere :)

Laters xoxo